Sad news! Ulrich is leaving us to move overseas to greyer pastures (hear the lamentations of the women). So - the good news! We're looking for a new singer to join our merry band. We don't expect someone to sing and prance like Ulrich per se, we just want someone that we can get along with and who can commit to 1 practise session a week, 10 or so gigs a year and for recording a full length cd down the track. All songs are collectively written by the band with shared input. For reference our early works are on our EP 'Ovum' on iTunes/cd and YouTube. Please email knightsofthespatchcock@gmail.com or Facebook us if you are interested. Ulrich will continue to gig with us in the meantime until we find someone / he leaves.

On a glorious sunny Canberra afternoon in February of 2009 The Knights of the Spatchcock were formed.  This primordial egg was hatched during an impromptu jam between 5 good friends with diverse musical interests, resulting in some listenable material that resembled nothing that each had individually created before.  The Canberra based Knights of the Spatchcock take pride in their work and place having fun over taking themselves too seriously.

The Knights of the Spatchcock invite loyal squires and wenches to their round (well, perhaps oblong) table of festive revelry and moral debauchery.  There are no heroes here, only harbingers of aural pleasure.

Ulrich the Belcher (Vox and Erotic Dancing)

Alen Koljanin  (Gitara)

Brendan Bail  (Guitar)

Bon Davo   (Bass)

Kasia Bail  (Drums)

This tale begins best with the introduction of Bon Davo and Brendan.  At a tender young age Bon Davo was inflicted with the dubious pleasure of meeting Brendan when their respective parents met to discuss weighty adult matters at the local church.  Brendan was still a virgin at this time; we’re not sure about Bon Davo.  When they first met, Brendan was impressed with how serious, constipated, frail and generally uptight Bon Davo was.  He had presumed that only old people acted this way and found it to be both odd and curious at the same time.  For his part, Bon Davo envied Brendan’s bowl haircut and his extra tight red jumper that his mother had knitted him.  They were not to meet again until some 15 years later, when Bon Davo had the even more dubious pleasure of discovering Brendan at a party, where Brendan was unable to walk, talk or generally behave articulately due to an excessive propensity to imbibe hard liquor.

In the early 90s both Brendan and Bon Davo enjoyed moderate success in their respective band endeavours – Brendan in a grunge outfit (Aura) where he has fond memories of playing in the finals of the 1994 Indiefest; and Bon Davo in a pop-folk / prog-rock semi cover band (Mercury High, later re-incarnated as Shade), from which days he is often found reminiscing about smoky gigs, punch ups and one-night stands at the Rose and Crown.

Prior to this, and in another world, Alen had taken Europe by storm in the Croatian cock rock band Osmi Putnik.  Heralding from the scenic Dalmation Coast, Alen assaulted the world with his tight women’s clothing, teased dyed hair, and bulging ball-sack.  Two albums later he sailed to Australia where he violated the East coast music industry with his offensive bright pink Steve Stevens Hamer.

At some stage in the mid 90s Bon Davo archived his bass to focus instead on painting and double-handed masturbation.  Brendan sold all his dodgy guitar gear and stuck with what he was good at - ie. the piano.  Alen stopped playing his guitar, became fat and perverted, grew a beard and decided to transform into a mature member of society.

Alen and Brendan met in Canberra in the esteemed public service, where Brendan was impressed with the way in which Alen could seduce men and women alike by merely leering at them whilst whispering sweet love tales in a thick Croatian accent.  At some stage Alen convinced Brendan to play him something on the guitar and was so disgusted with what he heard that he felt sorry for him and offered to teach him how to play properly.  He still hasn’t succeeded.

At this time they met Ulrich the Belcher.  Ulrich discovered his musical talent by unleashing vile belches upon the world - a talent instrumental in his unique mating rituals and seduction of women.  Thus began his career in vocal harmony and aromatic sound.  After years of training in the discipline he discovered that, if he belched with particular enthusiasm, he could regurgitate meals, thus enjoying them several times over.  Alen, in great veneration of these talents, begged Ulrich to teach him these new and varied skills of seduction.

It was only recently that Kasia, becoming disillusioned with the jade flute and clarinet, purchased a Pearl drum kit and began belting it into submission.  Ulrich, upon hearing this primal thumping, released his bladder with uncontrollable excitement, began to undulate and then broke into raucous song.  Though impressed with this undeniably erotic performance, Alen was quick to point out that women are best suited for the kitchen.  Eventually though he agreed to her joining the line-up on account of the fact that she wasn't a bad looker, and continued to make sandwiches and bring him cider.  Kasia has since done enough practice to keep the band in line.  Her inability to play in 7/8 time or learn Croatian folk and Salonsko Kolo ballroom dancing has meant that Alen's input into song writing is tamed and remains both listenable and marketable.  Kasia has come to realise that the best drummers are usually fat, tattooed, topless and bearded and is contemplating these requirements in the hope of truly attaining acceptance and competence in the pretentious, gender bending and judgemental music industry.

In this unlikely fashion the five became one and the greatest band in Weston Creek, Canberra, Australia, the Earth, was born.

• Shea Austin (webpage)
• Yoda
• Michael Robson of Mad Ram Studios at Studio 52, Collingwood Melbourne
• Spock